In business, we are often confronted with problems that seem to be a no-win situation.? While I acknowledge that they sometimes exist, I believe that there are almost always alternatives that can be explored to find a good result.? I recently thought back to where this started in my life and realized that it was when I was a university student.

When I was an undergraduate in college, I needed to take one more ?lab class? (a course that gives hands on experience related to the topic).? I?d taken lab classes in science and the only lab courses left according to my counselor was a lab class in mathematics.? Now, I did fine with basic mathematics but the higher-level courses in Algebra and Geometry were just not my passion.? OK, full disclosure, I hated those courses.? ?So, when my counselor said that was the only choice left ? I went on a quest, a quest to go through every single page of the course catalog for every single department throughout the university (except the Math department), to find any other class with a lab that I hadn?t already taken.?

After a painstaking search through the huge catalog, I found one course that fit the bill.? It was a course in the Hotel and Restaurant Management School at the university.? The course was in Enology (the study of wines).? The lab part was ? wine tasting!? Now, you might think that I was excited at first but the truth is ? I hated wine.? I really didn?t like it.? The only thing is, I hated math more than I hated wine so ? Enology it was!

I took this revelation to my department counselor and he said ? ?No! you can?t take that as your lab!?? I said ?Why not? ?It is a lab and it meets all the university requirements for me to complete my degree??? He said, ?because it?s unheard of to use that as a lab in this department.?? I then said, ?But is it prohibited?? Where in the department requirements does it say that it can?t be used??? He cocked his head and looked at me over the top of his glasses and said, ?alright Misner, give me the paper, I?ll sign it and get out of here.?? I smiled and said, ?Thank you very much professor,? and walked out with the paperwork to complete my Enology wine lab.

At that moment, I had no idea that the course I was taking would become a life-long passion (remember ? I didn?t really like wine back then).? The course was much more difficult than students thought it would be.? We had an almost 40% drop out rate for the class because it wasn?t just about ?tasting? wines, it was about the wine industry and wine regulations so the tests were pretty tough. The tasting was only a part of the class. Today, it is a passion for me.? I built out a cellar at my home in Austin (pictured here) that will hold 1,600 bottles (it?s not full ? yet but I?m working on it) and I just started working on a Sommelier Certification just for fun.? This path all began because I didn?t believe in the ?No-Win scenario? as the only possibility relating to a challenge.

I share this story with you because I truly believe that there are ?almost? always options to a no-win situation if you work hard to find alternative solutions (maybe even push the envelope a bit). ?For the Star Trek nerds out there ? I?d like to think I?d pass the Kobayashi Maru simulation (the no-win scenario mentioned several times Star Trek).

What no-win situation have you been confronted with and how did you find a solution?? I?d love for you to share it here.

Called the ?father of modern networking? by CNN, Dr. Ivan Misner is a New York Times bestselling author.? He is also the?Founder & Chief Visionary Officer of BNI (www.bni.com), the world?s largest business networking organization.? His new book, Networking for Success (2^nd Edition),? is available at bookstores and at Amazon.com.

So, you want referrals and you want them now?  Well, you can’t have them – unless, you’ve built meaningful relationships with your referral partners first. I’m often asked, “How long does it take for people to receive referrals from their network and how do we speed this process up?”

Building a referral-based business is all about building a powerful, personal network.  If your network is a mile wide and an inch deep, you will never get the kind of referrals that will make a difference for your business.  This means that you have to go deep in building a number of strong relationships.

From my experience, strong referral relationships are a lot like building close personal friendships. Facebook has redefined what a “friend” is but I’m talking about truly close friendships with people.  In a study published in 2018 by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it was found that it takes about 50 hours of interaction to move from being an acquaintance to becoming a “casual friend.”  It takes a total of 90 hours to be become “real friends,” and a total of 200 hours to become “close friends.”  According to the study, “friendship status was examined as a function of hours together, shared activities, and everyday talk.”

So, how long does it take for people to build a close relationship where they trust you enough to give you regular referrals?  Well, somewhere between 90 and 200 hours sounds about right to me.

I know that sounds like a lot but that matches up almost perfectly with what I’ve seen in BNI (the referral marketing organization I founded in 1985).  When BNI members hit the 90-hour mark of participation they almost always begin receiving more and more referrals.  Based on an independent study published in 2012 for BNI, when those same individuals cross the 200-hour mark, they generate an average of over 5 times the number of referrals they did in their first year!  Yes, you read that right – more than 500% more referrals when they have built strong friendships with their referral partners.

The best way to speed up the process – is to actually spend time in the process of developing relationships with the people you are networking with. Networking truly is more about farming than it is about hunting.  It is about building relationships and friendships with other business professionals.

It’s important to note that there’s a confidence curve you have to negotiate before trying to do business with someone. If you take that curve too fast, you’ll flip your reputation and end up in a very awkward position.

When it comes to getting referrals from your network, confidence is a vital component—not your confidence, but the confidence your fellow network members have in you. None of them wants to risk their personal reputation by referring business, information, or contacts to a stranger. Even though you may have known many of your fellow networkers for some time, until they’ve gained a certain level of confidence that referring contacts to you will not harm their reputation with their clients, associates, friends, or family, you’re still a referral stranger.

What exactly is this level of confidence? The time-confidence curve shown here (from my book, Networking Like a Pro) illustrates the dynamics of the process. Your success in getting referrals depends partly on your competence, of course, but also on how far up the confidence curve the referrer’s confidence in you has progressed. If you are at point A in the relationship, you’re just starting. If you’re at point B in the relationship, you’ve known each other for a while, but you still haven’t quite achieved the necessary confidence level with this person to get a referral from her. When you reach point C, she’ll feel comfortable recommending you to friends.

One way to help expedite this process is to do periodic one-to-one’s with people and go deeper in knowing how to refer them as well as teach them how to refer you.

It’s not always easy to know how far you’ve progressed up your confidence curve. Many networkers spend a lot of time and effort trying to build others’ confidence in them, then on the brink of success, grow discouraged and stop attending meetings. How would you feel if someone found you a terrific referral about two weeks after you dropped out of sight?

Here’s what you can do to gain perspective on your efforts and the results they are producing. Ask yourself the following four questions, and keep asking them over and over until you have attained success and the answers become obvious.

1. Am I being realistic about the time it will take, in my profession, to gain the critical level of confidence?

2. Am I regularly making stimulating, educational presentations to my fellow networkers about the value I provide to my clients?

3. Am I doing business with others in my network so I can give them dynamic testimonials and steer business to them in hopes they will return the favor?

4. Am I meeting regularly with my networking colleagues to learn about their businesses so I can confidently refer my contacts to them?

If you’re following these simple tactics, then you are well along the road to getting all the referrals from others’ networks that you deserve.

Remember, it takes time to build friendships, unless you’re in Kindergarten, then you can do it in about 5 minutes.

Called the “father of modern networking” by CNN, Dr. Ivan Misner is a New York Times bestselling author.  He is also the Founder & Chief Visionary Officer of BNI (www.bni.com), the world’s largest business networking organization.  His new book, Networking for Success (2^nd Edition),  is available at bookstores and at Amazon.com.

When I was in elementary school, I generally received good reports from my teachers.  However, one thing that came up time, and time again was a comment by almost all of my teachers: “Ivan “talks too much in class.”

My mother had numerous conversations with me about this, but to no avail.  I figure that she thought my grades were pretty good and she generally liked to pick and choose her battles on issues. Consequently, she didn’t really push the matter, and so… I talked and talked and talked in class.  It showed up on many of my report cards.  My teachers felt that it was a problem for me in school.  My mother, on the other hand, didn’t give me much grief on the subject.

While the teachers definitely felt that it was a roadblock to my learning, I think they may have been wrong on that.  What my teachers saw as a problem ended up becoming an incredible asset.  I talk.  I talk a lot.  I talk to individuals, small groups, middle size groups, large groups, and massive groups.  Any way you cut it – I’m a talker.  My job today is to talk to people.  In fact, I get paid to talk.  I get paid a crazy number to talk to companies, associations, and organizations.  I love to share ideas with people, I love to coach people, and most of all I love to inspire people.  And to do that – I talk.

Over the years, I’ve learned that often times, “what is in the way, becomes the way.”   My talking too much in class was thought of as a roadblock by my teachers.  Candidly, at one point, they almost had me convinced that it was a problem.  My mother – well, not so much.  She didn’t see my talking as such a big issue, and that gave me the freedom to be myself.  True, I had to tone it down a bit – but it wasn’t drummed out of me. I am grateful for that because, despite the fact that some people thought that talking was blocking my way, the truth is – it would eventually become “the way” for my life.

In 1985, I had a massive thing in my way.  I lost a client and could hardly pay the mortgage on my new home.  That was a pretty big thing for me to have in my way.  I desperately needed more business so I started a small referral group to help my friends and to help myself generate referrals in a structured way.  The solution to the problem that was in my way ended up becoming a global enterprise with thousands of groups in dozens of countries around the world called BNI.

Successful people understand that many times, “what is in the way, becomes the way.”  The key is to channel your efforts to focus on the roadblock and make it an overpass.

Some of us do this unconsciously.  However, imagine how impactful this paradigm could be if we were more conscious of it at work in our lives.  I would encourage you to take a moment to think about something you were told was “in the way” as part of your life?  Has it “become the way” for you and if so, how?  For me – one of the first things in my life that was in the way was that I talked too much in class.  Looking back, I’d have to say it worked out pretty well.

View Dr. Misner’s Podcast on how “What’s in the Way, Becomes the Way”.

Called the “father of modern networking” by CNN, Dr. Ivan Misner is a New York Times bestselling author.  He is also the Founder & Chief Visionary Officer of BNI (www.bni.com), the world’s largest business networking organization.  His new book, Networking for Success (2^nd Edition),  is available at bookstores and at Amazon.com.