So, you want referrals and you want them now?  Well, you can’t have them – unless, you’ve built meaningful relationships with your referral partners first. I’m often asked, “How long does it take for people to receive referrals from their network and how do we speed this process up?”

Building a referral-based business is all about building a powerful, personal network.  If your network is a mile wide and an inch deep, you will never get the kind of referrals that will make a difference for your business.  This means that you have to go deep in building a number of strong relationships.

From my experience, strong referral relationships are a lot like building close personal friendships. Facebook has redefined what a “friend” is but I’m talking about truly close friendships with people.  In a study published in 2018 by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it was found that it takes about 50 hours of interaction to move from being an acquaintance to becoming a “casual friend.”  It takes a total of 90 hours to be become “real friends,” and a total of 200 hours to become “close friends.”  According to the study, “friendship status was examined as a function of hours together, shared activities, and everyday talk.”

So, how long does it take for people to build a close relationship where they trust you enough to give you regular referrals?  Well, somewhere between 90 and 200 hours sounds about right to me.

I know that sounds like a lot but that matches up almost perfectly with what I’ve seen in BNI (the referral marketing organization I founded in 1985).  When BNI members hit the 90-hour mark of participation they almost always begin receiving more and more referrals.  Based on an independent study published in 2012 for BNI, when those same individuals cross the 200-hour mark, they generate an average of over 5 times the number of referrals they did in their first year!  Yes, you read that right – more than 500% more referrals when they have built strong friendships with their referral partners.

The best way to speed up the process – is to actually spend time in the process of developing relationships with the people you are networking with. Networking truly is more about farming than it is about hunting.  It is about building relationships and friendships with other business professionals.

It’s important to note that there’s a confidence curve you have to negotiate before trying to do business with someone. If you take that curve too fast, you’ll flip your reputation and end up in a very awkward position.

When it comes to getting referrals from your network, confidence is a vital component—not your confidence, but the confidence your fellow network members have in you. None of them wants to risk their personal reputation by referring business, information, or contacts to a stranger. Even though you may have known many of your fellow networkers for some time, until they’ve gained a certain level of confidence that referring contacts to you will not harm their reputation with their clients, associates, friends, or family, you’re still a referral stranger.

What exactly is this level of confidence? The time-confidence curve shown here (from my book, Networking Like a Pro) illustrates the dynamics of the process. Your success in getting referrals depends partly on your competence, of course, but also on how far up the confidence curve the referrer’s confidence in you has progressed. If you are at point A in the relationship, you’re just starting. If you’re at point B in the relationship, you’ve known each other for a while, but you still haven’t quite achieved the necessary confidence level with this person to get a referral from her. When you reach point C, she’ll feel comfortable recommending you to friends.

One way to help expedite this process is to do periodic one-to-one’s with people and go deeper in knowing how to refer them as well as teach them how to refer you.

It’s not always easy to know how far you’ve progressed up your confidence curve. Many networkers spend a lot of time and effort trying to build others’ confidence in them, then on the brink of success, grow discouraged and stop attending meetings. How would you feel if someone found you a terrific referral about two weeks after you dropped out of sight?

Here’s what you can do to gain perspective on your efforts and the results they are producing. Ask yourself the following four questions, and keep asking them over and over until you have attained success and the answers become obvious.

1. Am I being realistic about the time it will take, in my profession, to gain the critical level of confidence?

2. Am I regularly making stimulating, educational presentations to my fellow networkers about the value I provide to my clients?

3. Am I doing business with others in my network so I can give them dynamic testimonials and steer business to them in hopes they will return the favor?

4. Am I meeting regularly with my networking colleagues to learn about their businesses so I can confidently refer my contacts to them?

If you’re following these simple tactics, then you are well along the road to getting all the referrals from others’ networks that you deserve.

Remember, it takes time to build friendships, unless you’re in Kindergarten, then you can do it in about 5 minutes.

Called the “father of modern networking” by CNN, Dr. Ivan Misner is a New York Times bestselling author.  He is also the Founder & Chief Visionary Officer of BNI (www.bni.com), the world’s largest business networking organization.  His new book, Networking for Success (2^nd Edition),  is available at bookstores and at Amazon.com.

When I was in elementary school, I generally received good reports from my teachers.  However, one thing that came up time, and time again was a comment by almost all of my teachers: “Ivan “talks too much in class.”

My mother had numerous conversations with me about this, but to no avail.  I figure that she thought my grades were pretty good and she generally liked to pick and choose her battles on issues. Consequently, she didn’t really push the matter, and so… I talked and talked and talked in class.  It showed up on many of my report cards.  My teachers felt that it was a problem for me in school.  My mother, on the other hand, didn’t give me much grief on the subject.

While the teachers definitely felt that it was a roadblock to my learning, I think they may have been wrong on that.  What my teachers saw as a problem ended up becoming an incredible asset.  I talk.  I talk a lot.  I talk to individuals, small groups, middle size groups, large groups, and massive groups.  Any way you cut it – I’m a talker.  My job today is to talk to people.  In fact, I get paid to talk.  I get paid a crazy number to talk to companies, associations, and organizations.  I love to share ideas with people, I love to coach people, and most of all I love to inspire people.  And to do that – I talk.

Over the years, I’ve learned that often times, “what is in the way, becomes the way.”   My talking too much in class was thought of as a roadblock by my teachers.  Candidly, at one point, they almost had me convinced that it was a problem.  My mother – well, not so much.  She didn’t see my talking as such a big issue, and that gave me the freedom to be myself.  True, I had to tone it down a bit – but it wasn’t drummed out of me. I am grateful for that because, despite the fact that some people thought that talking was blocking my way, the truth is – it would eventually become “the way” for my life.

In 1985, I had a massive thing in my way.  I lost a client and could hardly pay the mortgage on my new home.  That was a pretty big thing for me to have in my way.  I desperately needed more business so I started a small referral group to help my friends and to help myself generate referrals in a structured way.  The solution to the problem that was in my way ended up becoming a global enterprise with thousands of groups in dozens of countries around the world called BNI.

Successful people understand that many times, “what is in the way, becomes the way.”  The key is to channel your efforts to focus on the roadblock and make it an overpass.

Some of us do this unconsciously.  However, imagine how impactful this paradigm could be if we were more conscious of it at work in our lives.  I would encourage you to take a moment to think about something you were told was “in the way” as part of your life?  Has it “become the way” for you and if so, how?  For me – one of the first things in my life that was in the way was that I talked too much in class.  Looking back, I’d have to say it worked out pretty well.

View Dr. Misner’s Podcast on how “What’s in the Way, Becomes the Way”.

Called the “father of modern networking” by CNN, Dr. Ivan Misner is a New York Times bestselling author.  He is also the Founder & Chief Visionary Officer of BNI (www.bni.com), the world’s largest business networking organization.  His new book, Networking for Success (2^nd Edition),  is available at bookstores and at Amazon.com.

Body language can be a powerful attractant or deterrent when it comes to building relationships with others. People assess you visually within the first few minutes of meeting you.  I’ve been asked a lot about body language by the media over the years.  Here are some of their questions along with my answers relating to the use of body language in networking environments.

• What can you do to increase your confidence? To come off as warm or friendly or knowledgeable to others?
• What is the latest reputable science saying about hand gestures and how they effect the way we’re perceived by other people?
• We’ve been hearing about how the so-called “Power Pose” or “Superman Pose” (hands on hips) may not be as effective as research initially showed – is that true? Are there other poses that increase confidence?
• Personal space is sometimes an issue.  How close should you stand to people when you are talking to them?

People over-think this issue.  The answer is pretty straight forward – be more “interested” than “interesting.”   When you are meeting people, practice being an interested interviewer and an active listener.  Learn about them and during the process make sure that your facial expressions match that interest.  Don’t look bored – look engaged.   You can do that with a smile, appropriate reaction to a comment, or a few nods (but not like a bobble head doll).  Also, use your eyebrows to show your reaction to comments.  Do this in an authentic way.  If you really show interest in other people, you will be amazed at some of the stories you hear and people you meet.  You will also make a great impression on these individuals.  All of these things will help to make you look warm, friendly, and confident.

In a study done by Holler and Beatie they found that gestures increase the value of someone’s message by 60%!  They analyzed thousands of hours of TED talks and found one striking pattern.  The most watched TED Talks were done by people who used effective hand gestures.

Specifically, they analyzed the top and bottom Ted Talks and found that the least popular TED Talks used an average of 272 hand gestures during the 18-minute talk and the most popular TED Talks used an average of 465 hand gestures during their talk – or almost double! 

Remember that hand gestures are good when talking to someone but don’t turn it into “jazz hands” where your hands never stop waiving!  Be purposeful with your gestures.

Also, when doing certain hand gestures, make sure to do them from the listener’s perspective not yours.  For example, if you are talking about the growth of a business, you might naturally do a hand gesture going from your lower left to your upper right.  That looks like growth from your perspective but it would be the opposite from the listener’s perspective.  The same goes regarding a time-line.  For you, the start of a project would be on your left and the end of the project would be to your right.  However, for the listener, your hand gesture should be flipped so that the gesture you are making supports the point you are sharing according to the other person’s perspective.  This is a very subtle technique that can really help in your discussions with people.

The “Power Pose” is great if you are Wonder Woman or Superman.  For mere mortals – not so much.  It just looks theatrical.  Power Posing is a discredited theory of psychology that was based on a 2010 study that has even been refuted by one of the original authors of the paper.

Instead of “striking a pose” be your best self.  Don’t hunch over or look like a wall-flower, don’t cross your arms, and above all – maintain good eye contact.  Don’t be looking around the room as you are talking to people.  It makes them feel like you don’t care about them.  Remember, be interested and look interested when you are talking to someone.

The study of proxemics has an application to personal space in a conversation.  Personal space varies by culture however, generally speaking, in North American cultures personal space is roughly “arms-length” away.  Don’t get in someone’s space unless you have a relationship with them that would justify that.  Don’t make people feel uncomfortable by standing too close.  In this day and age – that is particularly important with the opposite gender.

Body language in networking environments can be very important.  Keep the above points in mind.  Be comfortable and authentic while not trying to overthink the issue.  The key is to practice, practice, practice and observe reactions over time.

Called the “father of modern networking” by CNN, Dr. Ivan Misner is a New York Times bestselling author.  He is also the Founder & Chief Visionary Officer of BNI (www.bni.com), the world’s largest business networking organization.  His new book, Networking for Success (2^nd Edition),  is available at bookstores and at Amazon.com.