Art of Networking
"Come Out; Come Out Wherever You Are"
Networking for the socially challenged.
by Mark Goulston, M.D.

Two of my friends, Dr. Ivan Misner, Wall Street Journal best selling author of The 29% Solution: 52 Weekly Networking Success Strategies and Chairman and Founder of BNI, the world's largest referral network, and Keith Ferrazzi, author of the New York Times bestseller, Never Eat Alone, are among the top networkers in the world. They write and speak internationally.

As I've observed the audiences they speak to, I sense what many in the audience are thinking and feeling: "That's easy for you to say, Ivan and Keith, you're both extroverted and outgoing and have courage. I am socially shy and timid."

At my core, I am more like those audience members. I like to think of myself as a charter member of the "dread going, but glad I went" networking club. That means I have to fight myself every time I go to a networking event. At the end of an event, I'm generally glad I went.

I am a work in progress to become more like Ivan and Keith—to become more fearless than fearful.

Why put myself through that? One reason is that I will be more successful. However the major reason is so that at the end of my career I don't look back with regrets over what I should have, could have, but never did.

If you're like me, you're much more comfortable doing what you're competent at and comfortable with than you are at "networking." In fact to be as good at what you do, even if it is selling a product or service, requires a focus that can make you even worse at being social. It becomes even more difficult to get out of your comfort zone when the gap between what you are and aren't comfortable with widens.

At least that's what happened to me. By the time I finished four years of college, four years of medical school, and four years of training to be a psychiatrist, I was good at being a psychiatrist. But I became increasingly shy (think Frasier Crane without a sense of humor or ability to make others laugh).

The Motivation to Break Free from Shyness
So what happened to motivate me to become a keynote speaker, an author of four books, a syndicated columnist and writer with more than 300 published articles, a frequent guest on network TV and radio, an FBI and police hostage negotiation trainer—and darn good networker?

Up until 25 years ago I considered myself a coward. And then something happened.

My first child, Lauren, was born. One day when she was about five months old I was holding her and she was looking into my eyes with unadulterated trust and love.

I realized that if she looked into my eyes in the same way when she was 20, she would be disappointed in what she saw. That was because I was disappointed in what I saw in myself—I stayed in my comfort zone and gave in to my fears.

I realized I couldn't do that to her. So I asked myself what I was most afraid of. It was being on the spot and being ridiculed or criticized. Having a clear vision of wanting Lauren to be proud of me, I undertook a plan to put myself in harm's (or rather humiliation's) way.

I set goals for myself to first speak in front of little old ladies' groups where the likelihood of being criticized was small. That led to speaking to service associations who would likewise be welcoming, even if I wasn't very good. I joined Toastmasters and then the National Speakers Association and learned techniques for holding an audience's attention. Finally, I started writing books, articles, and columns so that people would be able to find me.

My writing eventually led to speaking engagements in front of non-profit organizations, then for-profit organizations, to workshops and keynotes in front of the Fortune 500 audiences, national law firms, and some of the top financial companies in the world—none of whom suffered fools gladly.

What motivated me to finally take action was to have a compelling, convincing, and continuing vision. That immediately translated into commitment and action.

Find your compelling and convincing vision to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Maybe it will be about feeling the power and independence to be great at bringing in business, a skill that is recession-proof. Maybe it will be to realize the success you're capable of. Or maybe it will be to make your children—and you—proud of you.

I still don't jump out of bed to attend something that requires "socializing," but I am usually glad I went. As I learned the skills necessary to be an effective speaker and writer, I have learned from people like Ivan and Keith the skills to become an effective networker. They are learnable, and with practice, you can become competent. If I can do it, so can you.

Mark Goulston is an executive coach, keynote speaker, thought leader at FerrazziGreenlight, and the author of Get Out of Your Own Way at Work … and Help Others Do the Same (Perigee). Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com/blog/.