Art of Networking
The BIG Deal About SMALL Talk
By Susan RoAne, The Mingling Maven®

The national belittling of small talk has a long history. For years, people have denigrated small talk as phony, laborious, and boring. It's so important that I included a chapter on it in How To Work a Room® and wrote a comprehensive book on conversation, What Do I Say Next? All of my presentations and keynotes have a 'small talk' component so that my audiences can start with it and then comfortably move on to BIGGER talk. My research surveys of 100 great conversationalists yielded two results that stunned me.

The first is that 75% of the respondees, people whom I considered to be great conversationalists, still thought of themselves as shy. I was shocked. Several of those surveyed admitted to working through shyness but still feeling uncomfortable. Could have fooled me! In fact, they did. They worked through it so well that I found them to be exemplary at conversation.

The second result was not surprising as much as it was confirming. Not one of my identified great chatters put down "small talk." To a one, they saw it as a way of getting to know people, put them at ease, and find common ground. That is the essence of networking: finding the commonality that links us to others.

Not to sound Socratic, but my deduction is clear—"therefore, only crappy conversationalists denigrate small talk."

Think about it. Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone who had no interest in the "little things" that start, move, and expand our verbal exchanges? I think not. To say it more clearly, only those who aren't good at small talk make light of it and put it down. The bluffery and buffoonery around small talk is that it "isn't important, it's phony, boring." Maybe what these denizens and denigrators are really saying is, "I DON"T CARE A WHIT ABOUT YOU."

I am not the first person to have written about the subject of small talk, conversation, or schmooze, and I won't be the last because we are uncomfortable talking to people we don't know. In fact, many of us are even caught off-guard at the thought of having longer conversations with people we do know. With the input of friends, colleagues, and generous strangers, in a chapter in What Do I Say Next? I identified twenty-two CONVERSATION KILLERS—behaviors that annoy the heck out of us and stop our verbal exchanges. When our verbal exchanges are cut short, so are our opportunities to grow our relationship and networks.

Because we want to build bridges, here are some of the most annoying conversation killing behaviors to avoid: The Braggart, The One Upper, The Interrupter, The Brain Bully, The Corrections Officers (sometimes known as the grammar police) and the Kvetchers who constantly complain.

Here is food for thought from someone who has been writing, teaching, and 'talking' about the art of conversation and the secrets of very savvy networking—and has been a conversationalist since first grade. (By the way, that's when I started getting red checks on my report cards for "socially chatting" with my classmates!)

• Have your own introduction prepared in your head so you aren't tongue tied when you meet someone at a party, conference, or event.
• Read the paper either off-line or on-line so you know what's going on in your community, your country, and the world.
• DO NOT follow the advice of 'small talk' experts who say, "Just ask people questions because people love to talk about themselves." If all you do is ask questions, you bring nothing to the banquet and people will think you are a prying, probing busybody.
• Treat people as people, not as prospects to add to your network.
• LISTEN to what people say instead of planning your next line. They are telling you what they want to talk about and you can take a hint and build meaningful conversation that is a duo-logue.
• Start small; establish a connection and you will organically build to the bigger topics.
• Ask questions, but be aware that some experts suggest questions that are inappropriate, contrived, and cheesy. If the question doesn't feel right to you, it isn't.
• Share stories that relate to the interests of others because people connect with our stories; not the factoids, features, or sales pitches.
• Say something that relates to the common moment, the venue, or event: the food, the theme, the parking, the traffic, or the host.
• Remember, most people are nice and would welcome your pleasant conversation.

I'm glad I listened to my mother who used to admonish me (in the pre-internet era), "Go out, you'll never meet anyone sitting at home!" To build small talk, big talk, new friendships and to build your network and business you may benefit from listening to my mother, too!

©RoAne2005 All rights reserved under Article One, Section Eight of the US Constitution.

Susan RoAne is a keynote speaker and bestselling author and the nation's original networking expert. She teaches people how to build small talk into conversation that establishes connections that build our networks, rapport, and relationships which enhance our personal and professional lives. She is the author of The Secrets of Savvy Networking, just released on CD, How to Work A Room, What Do I Say Next? and RoAne's Rules: How To Make the RIGHT Impression (cd/audiobook). Learn more at www.susanroane.com.